


To Write a Letter to Jon Snow (Ramsay Edition)

by briancap



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, I Tried, try not to judge me too harshly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 17:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6337858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briancap/pseuds/briancap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was just thinking about Ramsay and then I wondered what he was thinking about when he wrote that letter to Jon Snow in book 5 (ADWD) and that's how this story was born.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Write a Letter to Jon Snow (Ramsay Edition)

**Author's Note:**

> Ramsay's thoughts are in italics, including the words in parenthesis.

Ramsay stared hard at the blank parchment, thinking about how he should begin and what he would say.

 

“I'm going to kill you...”

 

_No no no... threats should be saved for last. I need a nice proper greeting._

 

Clapping his hands together or as best as he could with the quill in his left hand, he wrote, _“_ Your false king is dead, bastard.”

 

_Now to tell a few lies. Everybody knows that when you write someone you should lie about how great your life is going, even if you cry yourself to sleep at night._

 

Not that Ramsay does that of course....kinda...maybe...well ever since Reek and Arya ran away his life doesn't even feel the same. Who else is he going to torture and rape? It's so hard living without them and sometimes he just wants to cry on his father's shoulder....

 

_Control yourself, now back to the letter._

 

“He and all his host were smashed in seven days of battle. I have his magic sword. Tell his red ( _woman? Queen?)_ whore.” _Always great to throw a little sexism in there. Stir up the emotions a little bit._

 

“Your false king' s friends are dead. Their heads upon the walls of Winterfell. Come see them, bastard.”

 

_Now let's shame him for lying even though I'm doing the same._

 

“Your false king lied, and so did you. You told the world you burned the King-Beyond-the-Wall. Instead you sent him to Winterfell to steal my bride from me.”

 

_Now to throw a little truth in there. Make this letter seem realistic._

 

“I will have my bride back. If you want Mance Rayder back, come and get him. I have him in a cage for all the north to see, proof of your lies. The cage is cold, but I have made him a warm cloak from the skins of the six whores who came with him to Winterfell.”

 

_Someone should really check on Mance, we don't need him dying up there. When is the last time he ate? Well when is the last time I ate?_

 

_I need to hurry and finish this letter, I'm hungry._

 

“I want my bride back. I want the false king' s queen. I want his daughter and his red witch. I want his wildling princess. I want his little prince, the wildling babe. And I want my Reek. _(Or else I might burst into tears, it hurts so much)_ Send them to me, bastard, and I will not trouble you or your black crows. Keep them from me, and I will _(chop your head off? No, not graphic enough.)_ cut out your bastard' s heart and _(stomp on it? Throw it to the dogs?)_ eat it.”

 

_Put a little fear in his heart, make him think I'm a cannibalistic monster. Come to think of it, I wonder what a human heart would taste like? It would probably be too chewy but maybe if you threw it in the oven with some carrots and onions and maybe some gravy it would taste better._

 

_I really need to go eat._

 

_Is this all I want to say? Maybe I should include some graphic information about how I fucked his sister? No. I don't need him getting angry...well I have plans to throw his heart in the oven so if I scare him too much then I'll miss out on that and have to eat something else, but then by the time I find an oven and have the onions and carrots chopped his heart will be cold and probably rotting._

 

_I'll leave it at that, let me just sign my name._

 

Ramsay Bolton, _(Got the letter signed by King Tommen himself to prove it, EAT THAT JON SNOW!)_

 

Trueborn Lord of Winterfell.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know you're all wondering and the answer is YES, Ramsay did go get him something to eat after writing this.


End file.
